1/28/2009

#13 Edited for Content

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/01/edited-for-content.html

HEY, WANNA WATCH 'THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY'? MEH, I HEARD THAT WASN'T VERY GOOD. I RIPPED A COPY AND EDITED OUT ALL THE FART JOKES. HAVE A LOOK. (20 MINUTES LATER) HEY, THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD. YEAH, I DID THE SAME WITH STAR WARS EPISODES I-III. GOT THE WHOLE THING DOWN TO UNDER AN HOUR. STAR WARS DOESN'T HAVE ANY FART JOKES. FART JOKES, JAR JAR BINKS. SAME DIFF. OK, I'M IN. I'LL GO MAKE SOME POPCORN.

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1/24/2009

#12 Tough Room

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/01/tough-room.html

I'VE CREATED A MINIATURE CIVILIZATION IN A PETRI DISH! A WHOLE WORLD OF MY OWN CREATION! ISN'T THAT AMAZING? NOT THAT OLD STORY! THAT THEME'S BEEN DONE TO DEATH. 'MICROCOSMIC GOD' WAS WRITTEN IN 1941. THE SIMPSONS, FUTURAMA AND SOUTH PARK HAVE ALL DONE PARODIES OF IT. YEAH BUT I REALLY DID MAKE... I MEAN, HOW UNORIGINAL CAN YOU GET? I SUPPOSE NEXT YOU'LL BE TELLING ME YOU'VE STITCHED TOGETHER BODY PARTS AND REANIMATED THEM INTO A LIVING CREATURE! NEVERMIND.

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1/20/2009

#11 Bananas

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/01/bananas.html

I SAW THIS YOUTUBE VIDEO WHERE SOME GUY SAID THAT BANANAS PROVE INTELLIGENT DESIGN BECAUSE THEY'RE PERFECTLY ADAPTED FOR HUMANS. HA! SEE, THE BANANA'S A GOOD EXAMPLE OF SELECTIVE BREEDING. WILD BANANAS WERE GREEN, LUMPY THINGS FULL OF SEEDS. GENERATIONS OF CULTIVATING THEM HAS LED TO THE FRUIT WE SEE TODAY. THE SAME IS TRUE OF MOST FOODS WE EAT: CORN, APPLES, PIGS. ALL OF THEM HAVE BEEN BRED TO MAKE THEM EASIER TO EAT. DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT TURKEYS. SO, HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN POMEGRANATES? MASOCHISM.

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1/16/2009

#10 Perspective

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/01/perspective.html

THERE'S THIS THEORY THAT, SINCE THERE'S A NON-ZERO PROBABILITY THAT AN ADVANCED CIVILIZATION CAPABLE OF CREATING PERFECT SIMULATIONS EXISTS, THEN THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE THAT WE'RE LIVING INSIDE A SIMULATED REALITY. NOT MUCH OF A THEORY, IS IT? IT'S COMPLETELY UNTESTABLE AND IT ASSUMES ALL SORTS OF UNNECESSARY HIDDEN VARIABLES. ALSO, IT'S A GIVEN THAT THERE HAS TO EXIST AT LEAST ONE NON-SIMULATED REALITY, SO WHY NOT THIS ONE? BESIDES, IF YOU WERE GOING TO MAKE A SIMULATED REALITY, WOULD YOU MAKE SOMETHING THIS MESSED UP?

galaxy crystal
The Simulation Argument

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1/12/2009

#9 Carpe Ovum

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/01/carpe-ovum.html

EGGS ARE OK TO EAT AGAIN. A NEW STUDY SAYS THEY'RE NOT A SIGNIFICANT HEART RISK FACTOR ANYMORE. OK, FIRST, EGGS ARE EGGS. THEY DON'T SUDDENLY BECOME HEALTHY OR UNHEALTHY BASED ON THE LATEST STUDY. AND SECOND, THE STUDY WAS FUNDED BY THE EGG NUTRITION CENTER, WHICH YOU HAVE TO ADMIT HAS A VESTED INTEREST IN THE OUTCOME OF THE STUDY. I NEED TO EAT AS MANY EGGS AS I CAN BEFORE THEY CHANGE THEIR MINDS. SEE? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. IF YOU'D JUST EAT A VARIETY OF FOODS IN MODERATION INSTEAD OF JUMPING ON EVERY FAD, STUDY OR DIET BANDWAGON, YOU'D BE A LOT HEALTHIER. I'M GONNA MAKE A BIG OMELET RIGHT NOW. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME AT ALL, ARE YOU? OH, WAIT! HUEVOS RANCHEROS! KICKASS! WANT SOME? SURE. FINE. I'LL MAKE A SALAD TO GO WITH IT.

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1/08/2009

#8 WikiPolitics

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/01/wikipolitics.html

WOULDN'T IT BE COOL IF GOVERNMENT WERE RUN LIKE WIKIPEDIA? EVERYONE CONTRIBUTES TO IT EQUALLY AND IT'S ALL SELF-CORRECTING AND TRANSPARENT. ACTUALLY, WIKIPEDIA IS RUN BY A SMALL, LARGELY ANONYMOUS GROUP WHO PULL ALL THE STRINGS AND ARE ANSWERABLE TO NO ONE. OH, SO... MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! RIGHT.

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1/04/2009

#7 More of the Same

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/01/more-of-same.html

I JUST SIGNED UP FOR AN ONLINE DATING SERVICE. I GOT A REALLY GOOD DEAL. I PAID FOR 6 MONTHS AND IF I DON'T MEET SOMEONE SPECIAL IN THAT TIME, THEY'LL GIVE ME ANOTHER SIX MONTHS FREE. ANOTHER SIX MONTHS OF THE SAME SERVICE? YEP! IT'S LIKE A 2 FOR 1 DEAL! ANOTHER SIX MONTHS OF THE SAME SERVICE THAT FAILED TO ACHIEVE ITS ONE AND ONLY GOAL IN THE FIRST SIX MONTHS? UH, YEAH. WOW, THAT'S AMAZING. I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT. 'BUY 10 POUNDS OF OUR GOURMET COFFEE AND IF YOU REALLY HATE THE TASTE, WE'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER 10 POUNDS ABSOLUTELY FREE!' PURE GENIUS! HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? TO TRY AND RETURN THIS QUART OF TOOTHPASTE I JUST BOUGHT.

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