You Can't Prove They Don't Exist

2/26/2009

#21 Tasteless

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/02/tasteless.html
SAYS HERE YOU SHOULD DRINK 8 GLASSES OF WATER PER DAY TO AVOID DEHYDRATION. HAS TO BE PURE WATER, THOUGH. WHAT, JUICE DOESN'T COUNT? NOPE. JUST WATER. SO, EVEN THOUGH JUICE IS ALMOST ENTIRELY WATER, IT DOESN'T CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR HYDRATION? WHAT ABOUT A HOMEOPATHIC DILUTION THAT HAS A NEAR-ZERO PROBABILITY OF HAVING EVEN ONE MOLECULE OF ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN IT? WOULD THAT BE OK? UM, YEAH. I GUESS. GREAT! I'M GOING TO MAKE MYSELF SOME LEMONADE. I'LL BE SURE TO PREPARE A 30C DILUTION FOR YOU. GEE, THANKS.




 


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 2/23/2009

#20 News

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/02/news.html
GUH! THERE'S NOTHING WORTHWHILE ON TV! LOOK AT THIS. 'UFO HUNTERS', 'GHOST HUNTERS', 'INVESTIGATION X'. PSEUDOSCIENCE AND SENSATIONALISM! DOESN'T ANYONE DO SERIOUS NEWS ANYMORE? TRY COMEDY CENTRAL. OH, RIGHT.




 


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 2/19/2009

#19 Tea

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/02/tea.html
WHENEVER CAPTAIN PICARD GETS TEA FROM THE REPLICATOR, HE SAYS 'TEA, EARL GREY, HOT'. THAT'S THE ONLY KIND OF TEA HE EVER ORDERS. YEAH? SO, IF THE REPLICATOR'S SMART ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THAT, AND SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW IT'S HIM, WHY WOULDN'T IT BE SMART ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND 'TEA, THE USUAL'? OH, THE REPLICATOR'S PROBABLY MORE THAN SMART ENOUGH... ...CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR THE SCRIPTWRITERS, THOUGH. RIIIIIGHT.



 


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 2/16/2009

#18 Protection Racket

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/02/protection-racket.html
YOU'RE MARKETING ANOTHER HERBAL SUPPLEMENT? YUP. THIS ONE PROTECTS YOU FROM THE DANGEROUS SIDE EFFECTS OF THE SQUIRRELPOX VACCINE. AND SINCE THAT VACCINE DOESN'T EVEN EXIST AND I JUST MADE UP THE SIDE EFFECTS, MY SUPPLEMENT DOESN'T ACTUALLY NEED TO DO ANYTHING. AN ANTI-ANTIVAX VACCINE? THAT'S TRULY EVIL. THANKS! MAYBE NEXT YOU COULD COME UP WITH A SUPPLEMENT TO PROTECT AGAINST GULLIBILITY. HA! WHO'D BE CRAZY ENOUGH TO BUY THAT? PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE WHO NEEDS IT. GOOD POINT. I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT...



 


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 2/13/2009

#17 Bedtime Story

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/02/bedtime-story.html
IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE... ...IT'LL PROBABLY BRING ALONG ITS MOUSE FRIENDS... ...AND THEY'LL SPREAD THE HANTA VIRUS. IN OUR WEAKENED STATE... ...WE WON'T BE ABLE TO FEND OFF THE ROBOT REBELLION. THEN THE ALIENS WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAOS, DESTROYING THE ROBOTS AND ENSLAVING US... ...TO MAKE MORE COOKIES. GOOD NIGHT. (EEP!)
Disclaimer: Laura Numeroff's books are actually quite nice and contain almost no killer robots.




 


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 2/09/2009

#16 Science!

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/02/science.html

The book cover says "The Intelligent Science of Scientific Intelligence". Can't recall exactly what I put on the back cover, just a bunch on gibberish about how the book is just chock-full of science-y goodness.



 


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 2/05/2009

#15 Classic

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/02/classic.html




 


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 2/01/2009

#14 Enhancement

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/02/enhancement.html
I'VE STARTED SELLING A MALE ENHANCEMENT HERBAL SUPPLEMENT. I'M CALLING IT LUFTINITE. DOES IT WORK? DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU MEAN BY 'WORK'. I DON'T ACTUALLY SAY WHAT IT DOES. I JUST USE A LOT OF INNUENDO AND SUGGESTIVE IMAGERY. SALES ARE A BIT SLOW BUT IT'S REALLY GOING TO TAKE OFF ONCE I GET THE GO-AHEAD FROM DISNEY. DISNEY? ♩CAN YOU FEEL THE LUFTINITE...♩ I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT ELTON JOHN TO SING THAT.




 


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