You Can't Prove They Don't Exist

3/30/2009

#32 Parking

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/parking.html
JUST PICK A SPOT ALREADY. I WANNA GET ONE CLOSER TO THE STORE. IF YOU'D PARKED BACK THERE, WE'D BE IN THE STORE BY NOW. THAT CAR THERE'S JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE. MUCH MUCH LATER... OK, THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS. IN THE TIME WE'VE BEEN SITTING HERE, WE COULD'VE FINISHED SHOPPING AND THE AMOUNT OF GAS YOU'VE WASTED COULD'VE PAID FOR THE STUFF WE DIDN'T NEED ANYWAY AND CERTAINLY DIDN'T NEED TO MAKE A SPECIAL TRIP FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING. WHICH PRINCIPLE IS THAT? THE PRINCIPLE THAT YOU SOMEHOW FEEL ENTITLED TO A GOOD PARKING SPOT EVEN AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR OWN WASTED TIME AND MONEY? WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT, IT SOUNDS SILLY. IMAGINE THAT.



 


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 3/28/2009

#31 Earth Hour

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/earth-hour.html
IS IT 9:30 YET? DUNNO. CAN'T SEE THE CLOCK



 


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 3/26/2009

#30 Guesswork

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/guesswork.html
I HAVE JUST TWO QUESTIONS: WHAT WILL BE THE MISSION? AND CAN I GO? WHAT? THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! OH, RIGHT, OK. LET ME THINK... WIND THE FROG! HMM, STILL NOT GETTING IT. HE GOT ME INVESTED IN SOME KINDA FRUIT COMPANY. OH! TOM HANKS MOVIE QUOTES! YEP, ANOTHER POINT FOR YOU.



 


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 3/23/2009

#29 Spider-Lobster

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/spider-lobster.html
THE COMPLETELY NON-SECRET TEVATRON ACCELERATOR AT FERMILAB, BATAVIA ILLINOIS... HEY! A SPIDER JUST GOT CAUGHT IN MY PARTICLE STREAM! UNLESS IT'S JUST WALKED OFF WITH THE HIGGS BOSON, I'M NOT INTERESTED. HAR HAR. AMAZINGLY, THE SPIDER SURVIVES... OUCH! NOT SO FAST. YOU'RE COMING WITH ME. THUNK! LATER... WHAT'D'YA THINK, DOC? NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. JUST A WOLF SPIDER. IT DOES SEEM TO BE RADIOACTIVE, THOUGH, SO I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU POTASSIUM IODIDE JUST TO BE SAFE. OH, AND HERE'S A PRESCRIPTION FOR PAIN KILLERS. YOU DON'T NEED THEM BUT THEIR SALES REP LETS ME USE HIS TIMESHARE. UH, THANKS. BACK AT THE LOBSTER TREE... SO THAT'S IT? NO SUPERPOWERS? NOPE, NOTHING. I'M SO DISILLUSIONED. I KNOW!




 


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 3/20/2009

#28 Happy Equinox

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/happy-equinox.html
HAPPY EQUINOX! ANOTHER FAKE HOLIDAY? AND HOW DO WE CELEBRATE THIS ONE? IN HONOR OF THE MYTH THAT IT'S EASIER TO STAND AN EGG ON END DURING THE EQUINOX, WE CELEBRATE WITH BRIGHTLY-COLORED EGGS. OH, AND CHOCOLATE, OF COURSE. NO, THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO AT EASTER. YOU CAN'T JUST STEAL SOMEONE ELSE'S HOLIDAY AND CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN. YOU'RE RIGHT. IT WOULD TERRIBLE IF SOMEONE WERE TO TAKE AN ANCIENT AND RESPECTED HOLIDAY AND WRAP THEIR OWN MYTHS AROUND IT. I DON'T GET IT. DOESN'T SURPRISE ME IN THE LEAST.




 


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 3/17/2009

#27 Green

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/green.html
ARE YOU PROMOTING ENVIRONMENTAL AWARENESS OR JUST HORRIBLY ILL? IT'S ST PATRICK'S DAY! BUT YOU'RE NEITHER CATHOLIC NOR IRISH. ON ST PATRICKS DAY, EVERYONE'S OIRISH! GOSH AND BEGORRAH! THAT MUST MAKE AIRPORT SECURITY CONFUSING. (♫Poor old Johnnie Ray sounded sad upon the radio He moved a million hearts in mono♫) WHAT BE THAT YE BE SAY'N? NEVERMIND. GUH, I NEED A DRINK. AYE, THAT'S THE SPIRIT, TO BE SURE! ♫TOORA LOORA TOORA LOO RYE AYE!♫



 


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 3/14/2009

#26 Pi

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/pi.html
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO? PLANNING THE MENU FOR MY PI DAY DINNER. YOU AND YOUR WEIRD HOLIDAYS. WHAT'S ON THE MENU? PINEAPPLE HORS D'OEUVRES, PAELLA FOR THE MAIN COURSE AND FOR DESSERT... PIE? NOPE. ICE CREAM. PISTACHIO. OF COURSE.



 


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 3/12/2009

#25 Pledge Break

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/pledge-break.html
THESE TWO LOBSTERS ARE IN A BAR AND ONE SAYS 'SO WHERE'S THE WEIRDEST PLACE..' WE'RE HERE AT THE SPRING FUND-RAISING DRIVE WAITING FOR YOU TO CALL AND MAKE A PLEDGE. IF YOU CALL IN NOW WITH AND PLEDGE AT THE $5000 LEVEL, WE'LL SEND YOU THIS LOVELY TREELOBSTERS TOTE BAG AS A THANK YOU GIFT. TREELOBSTERS DEPENDS ON PUBLIC SUPPORT TO KEEP RUNNING. LIGHTS, HEATING, ARBORIST FEES, MELTED BUTTER... IT ALL ADDS UP. THESE PLEDGE DRIVES, FOR EXAMPLE, ACCOUNT FOR 75% OF OUR OPERATING BUDGET. WE'RE GOING TO GO BACK TO THE COMIC NOW BUT THE LINES WILL STAY OPEN. PLEASE CALL WITH YOUR PLEDGE. '...EAR HOLE' THAT'S DISGUSTING.
Disclaimer: Obviously, John Malkovich and Helen Mirren don't really pose for all these comics. That would be ridiculous. It's really Janeane Garofalo and Seth Green. John and Helen just do the holiday specials.




 


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 3/09/2009

#24 Pizza

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/pizza.html
I GOT AN ORGANIC PIZZA. AS OPPOSED TO AN INORGANIC ONE? THERE'S NO CHEMICALS IN IT. WHAT, NONE? WHAT'S IT MADE FROM, NEUTRINOS? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. IT'S GOT, LIKE, NATURAL PEPERONI ON IT. I SHUDDER TO THINK WHAT UNNATURAL PEPERONI WOULD BE. SUIT YOURSELF. MORE FOR ME, THEN. IS THAT AN ORGANIC COLA YOU'RE HAVING WITH IT? I'M GOING TO EAT THIS SOMEWHERE ELSE




 


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 3/05/2009

#23 The King

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/king.html
LOOK! MY DISH TOWEL HAS THE IMAGE OF ELVIS ON IT! NO, SEE, THAT'S JUST PAREIDOLIA. YOUR BRAIN IS RESPONDING TO VAGUE AND RANDOM STIMULUS AND ASCRIBING SIGNIFICANCE TO IT. IT'S JUST A STAIN ON THE TOWEL. YOU ONLY SEE ELVIS BECAUSE HE'S A SIGNIFICANT FIGURE TO YOU. HUH. I CAN'T BELIEVE I PAID $19.95 FOR THIS THING. ERM, NEVERMIND.



 


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 3/02/2009

#22 Scale

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/03/scale.html
I JUST GOT THAT DIGITAL BATHROOM SCALE I ORDERED ONLINE. ACCURATE TO 0.05LB! HRM. LET'S TRY AN EXPERIMENT. GO WEIGH YOURSELF FIVE TIMES IN A ROW AND RECORD THE RESULTS. UM, OK... ♪ TALL AND TAN AND YOUNG AND LOVELY, THE GIRL FROM IPANEMA GOES WALKING, AND SOMETHING SOMETHING, ♪ ♫SOMETHING SOMETHING AH... OK, HERE'S WHAT I GOT: 153.25, 152.65, 154.05, 153.50, 153.35 AND WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU? THERE'S A GRAVITATIONAL ANOMALY IN MY BATHROOM? YES, THAT MUST BE IT.



 


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