You Can't Prove They Don't Exist

8/31/2009

#78 Quetzupbotl's Revenge

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/08/78-quetzupbotls-revenge.html
An ancient Mayan legend tells of the origin of their calendar. The mighty god Quetzupbotl dictated its design to his subjects. 'The calendar will run for 5125 years and no more.' 'What will happen when the calendar ends?' asked the people. 'In those days, a mighty civilization will rule the world. They will fly in giant metal birds and eat cheese out of magic vessels.' 'But many of their kind will be lazy of mind and gullible of spirit. They will believe that our calendar will mark the end of time.' 'They will listen to stories and watch magic visions about the end of our calendar. They will pay hard-earned money for these stories.' 'The end of the calendar will come and go but the world will not end. The foolish people will shout and shake their fists but will not get their money back.' 'Why? Why would you do this to these people?' asked Quetzupbotl's subjects. 'Hey, it's a bit of a laugh, OK?' was the reply. It does not say that. Some of the glyphs are open to interpretation.



 


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 8/27/2009

#77 Button, Button

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/08/77-button-button.html
What's that? It's a DVD player I've been modifying. I've added a feature to analyze whatever disc you put into it and determine what the actual content is. If there's more than one format, it determines the best choice based on your preferences. It then bypasses all previews, INTERPOL warnings, menus, bells, whistles and general dancing baloney, and immediately plays the main feature. To make things easier, I've added a button to the remote. (JUST PLAY THE FRICKIN MOVIE ALREADY!) What do I have to do to get one of these? We'll talk.



 


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 8/24/2009

#76 Dumb Luck

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/08/76-dumb-luck.html
Wow! I've flipped five heads in a row. This next one's gotta be tails, then. Doesn't work like that. The previous results don't affect the probability of future events. The chances of flipping six heads in a row are 1 in 64 but the chances of flipping heads after 5 in a row are still 50:50. While you were busy lecturing, I flipped another 20 heads in a row. What's your logic say to that? Vegas road trip? I'll start packing.



 


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 8/20/2009

#75 But Wait, There's More!

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/08/75-but-wait-theres-more.html
Tired of being duped by the latest pseudoscience fad? You've wasted time and money on homeopathy, chiropractic, acupuncture... The list goes on and on. But what can you do? We've got just the thing to cure your gullibility. New SkeptiCrystal! SkeptiCrystal soaks up fuzzy thinking and locks it away inside its crystal matrix. Just look at that skeptical action! SkeptiCrystal is made from two dangerous elements: element 11 and element 17 but, when combined, form this special crystalline matrix that is perfectly safe. You can even eat it! SkeptiCrystal is guaranteed to make you less gullible, or your money back! Call now! Operators are standing by to take your order!

DISCLAIMER: The customer's realization that SkeptiCrystal is ineffective constitutes a net decrease in gullibility and therefore supports SkeptiCrystal's claim of efficacy.




 


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 8/17/2009

#74 Equal Time

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/08/equal-time.html
All we're asking for is that 'Intelligent Lightning' be taught alongside the 'Atmospheric Discharge Theory' in schools. Now, we're not saying it's Thor per se. It could be any intelligence with a red beard and mighty hammer. OK, look. Thunder and lightning are caused by well-understood natural processes. The supporting evidence is overwhelming. There are no credible scientists who disagree on this. We have a list of 400 PhDs who disagree with you on that point. I've seen that list. Not one of them has a PhD in any relevant field. Half of them are graduates from the University of Valhallism, which you yourself fund. 'Relevant field'! This is how they deceive the public: Censoring opposing theories and teaching only their brand of truth! You don't have a theory! All you've got is an old fairytale that you've dusted off and rebranded! See? See how they're censoring me? Look, Lox News, you don't have to give equal time to every crackpot who disagrees with reality, you know. Not all viewpoints have equal merit. Pretending they do just to get better ratings makes you look bad and does a disservice to the public. Censorship! Oh, shut up! See?

Disclaimer: This comic is a parody and is in no way intended to be an accurate portrayal of the Fox "News" Channel, its "objectivity" or its "fact-checking".




 


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 8/13/2009

#73 Bogus

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/08/bogus.html
I'm being sued by the American Chicken-Waving Association. They're claiming that I slandered them when I said that their practice of waving dead chickens over patients to treat disease is quackery. The entire basis of their complaint is that by saying 'quackery' I implied that they're being intentionally deceptive, rather than merely delusional. Well, they have a point. Waving a chicken isn't quackery. What?! Waving a duck is quackery. Waving a chicken is just fowl. I hate you.

Disclaimer: Tree Lobsters makes no claims regarding the efficacy of chicken-waving as a medical procedure. We're sure it's just as valid as, say, shaking up a vial of water or twisting someone's back.

Simon Singh's website



 


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 8/10/2009

#72 Browser Dialog

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/08/browser-dialog.html
Internet Explorer is not currently your default browser. Would you like to make it your default? Yes No You've gone back to Firefox again, haven't you? I made a mistake. I'm switching back. I don't see how that's any of your business. Oh really? I bet you even tried that Chrome a few times, didn't you? It'll run on anything, you know. Tramp. It'll never happen again, I swear! So what if I did? It looks good, it's fast and it never nags me, unlike some browsers I know. You're going to regret saying that! Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

You can blame doctoratlantis for this one.



 


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 8/06/2009

#71 Retention

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/08/retention.html
Windows Vista is terrible! It keeps crashing, losing files and yesterday it set fire to my cat. I've had it. As soon as Windows 7 comes out, I'm upgrading. So, your solution to a defective product is to buy another product from the same company? What choice do I have? Windows XP is being phased out. I never cease to be amazed at Microsoft's ability to keep their customers in the dark about competing products. They're like the North Korea of the corporate world.



 


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 8/03/2009

#70 iNeed a Drink

http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/08/ineed-drink.html
There is a new version of iTunes available (8.7.1). To be honest, it's a tiny, incremental change from the one we released last week but we're going to make you download it anyway. Note that, by default, we're going to install Safari too, unless you remembered to uncheck a tiny checkbox we hid on one of these screens. Also, despite the fact that Apple employs some of the best programmers in the world, we can't manage an incremental update without making you download the entire app and reboot your system. Actually, we can but we just like to see how much crap our customers will put up with. For future updates, we will require you to put on a tutu and dance like a monkey.



 


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